small girl vs. big city

a guitar, a good friend, a great voice, a gorgeous sunset…

but let’s start from the beginning…

there’s a lot to be said about the little things. I spent today, my first day off after a 75hr work week, happy.

I slept in. until the wind woke me up, though I’m not sure what time because I don’t have a single clock in my place. the sky had clouds and dimension. weather forecasters, not that I watch the news, have it easy here. “sunny and a high of 75″. but for 5min it sprinkled a little. not enough. just enough to get my face a little wet & make me smile as I shut the windows. I ate cereal. paraded around my castle in my bunny slippers. waved at neighbors. proudly refused to put my contacts in, make up on, or comb my hair.

and yet: I felt like a princess.

reality: a girl. without much in her pockets or her cupboard.

perception: a beautiful princess on the brink of …among other things…peace. with more strength of heart and Faith, and in those… more joy than pockets or cupboards could hold.

A prince visited today. I don’t think he arrived on a white horse, but he made “silly”… charming.

and he did wake me from a “settled” sleep. I love people. more than I actually care about what they *think* of me, I want them to understand me, and how much I love them. in my quest to love and be loved, I tolerate watered down or tainted versions of it. awake from my sleep again: why put up with that? life is too short to waste any of it with those who return love in the name of keeping score. those without ears, those who disappear. when you spend time with someone who *appreciates you*… you can’t help but notice the difference between them and the frogs.

age…less. worry…some, but not too much. love…no less that with every fiber of your being. friends…are not forever. appreciate them while you have them. family…ties you to everything you need for your journey throughout life. seasons change.

last week, I learned I am capable of being awake about 23hours, and working 20 of those hours. without coffee or soda…

but why am I working so hard? look deeper than the paycheck…
my city, my great love. I do believe I may be falling out of love with you. the season is changing. the sun now sets just out of my window’s view. its cold, I’ve had to shut my windows. and so, my view, is greeted by my reflection.

private dinner parties at 32million dollar mansions, “the mansion”, pool parties, birthday parties, white parties on yachts, sundays in malibu, mischief, celebrities, clubs, restaurants, parties, SCENES … oh I could write a book. but…Really? Really.

the life … that everyone from bored housewives desperate for their own scandal to naive teen girls starving themselves to mimick… all wonder about…

the same all wonder why moths fixate on flame.

most of those people aren’t truly happy. some are happy, yes. but there is a lot of empiness in this town. so many lights, so many parties- reasons to never be alone. with their thoughts.

what. would happen. if they stopped. just for a second. TO THINK. stop the networking, lounging, the pretending, the fronting, the planning or attending events, the spending, the stuffing of pricey objects into huge voids that can not be filled with *things*.

what would you think if you stopped to stare at the reflection between you and what you think you want…

what’s the difference between cutting your losses and changing your mind

at what point do you make up your mind?

what.

is.

next?

let’s take a trip down memory lane…or imaginary rowe…

january. it’s cold. it’s los angeles. I’m a mess. but only on the inside…

shit. I’m late. again. at least i’m consistant. the Russians will understand, they love me. they haven’t called, so I’m no later than usual. either that or, after a couple years, they’ve figured out that calling & texting wont rush me.

a parking lot, it’s well lit…it’s close… but, no signs post how much. this’ll be fun. “hi”(slow down, less desperate, more cute) “how much is parking? $20??? oh (pouty lip) reeeeally? I’m new in town. (2+ years is still new, wait have i tried this at this lot before? hmm. oh well, keep talking) I’m by myself. I’m meeting my friends…oh $5. hmmmmmm… you cant….ok yea. sure. thanks anyway”

heeeeeey officers, i wave obnoxiously. they’re in their usual hiding spot. i made a 3sec stop. i’m trying to find parking. find someone else to bust…

meter parking. God loves me. it’s a half block. i need the walk, the air. i need air only a little more than i need the $5. grrreat. a line, almost midnight, of course there’s a line… but tonight lines are for everyone else…

showtime. cue the walk. the deliberate, heel pounding, ’wait’ isnt in my vocabulary, no eye contact with anyone in line… walk. the one that’ll get the guy to move the rope before you get to it, because he’s convinced if he doesnt - you’ll burn right through it… i took my id of my purse when i put my little water bottle in. digging through your purse is a flying solo no-no. it gives them time to think and it gives away what’s in your purse. i hand it to the guy without making eye contact. i look impatient (i’m not). i say thank you (i mean it) . i’m in. HA - cake. suckers. alright… don’t look lost, dont….look….lost…..

“do I wanna drink? from you? no, i’m -uh- busy. thanks though” (did i even see what he looked like? who cares, that approach is so boring. keep looking…)

a trendy song is on, check the dancefloor!! jackpot! hugs. too many and they hold on too long. ugh, i thought we werent being obviously sympathetic girls. shut up, let them be there. no one asks and i dont explain why i’m late. a dance or few. this isnt so bad.

an annoying song allows reality to knock: am I homeless? I just moved what’s left of what I own and can’t wear into storage… i’m sleeping on a couch. in a living room. rather in the living room of whichever girlfriend it’s most convenient for that night…I…am…homeless. single. confused. sad…as a general understatement…… really. really. REALLY sad. what happened to the music? am i dancing?

wait.

i am a girl with nothing to lose. there’s freedom in that. nothing to lose, so nothing to fear. and that means everything to gain… something exciting is about to come my way.

music’s back on. rather, i can hear it again.

well i checked in just in time. ugh, why do russian girls smoke? damnit. really? I’m going to watch you passively agressively kill yourself? grrrreat. hmmm, a smoke screen. in half a second the contents of my water bottle are in my glass. oh look at that i just saved myself $12. i’ll just put this little guy, we’ll call him “Evidence” under this table…

hey now. heeey. what are you looking at? hot guy. not with friends. not holding a drink. i’m in jeans and not looking for attention. so what is he look—–CRAP. is that surveillance in his ear!?! awesome -security. he works here. did he see me? whatever. fine. kick me out, do it mr, i DARE YOU. i smirk. i turn away. i’m going to dance with my girlfriends. you want me out, make me get out.

oh… what… now? there he is again. a slight smile this time. oh, so that’s what all that was about. hmm, well if you want to talk to me mr, then come say hi. enough smiling and gazing. I turn my back.

it’s been a while. i think? or has it been? time is irrelevant when you’re waiting for something or nothing. maybe it’s been 30seconds? 3minutes? why - after one drink- do i dance and flip my hair like a blond girl on spring break? oh well it’s fun. flip flip my eyes are closed. ha ha, this is so fun. the girls are being silly too. nights like this, it’s more than ok.

i open my eyes. ummmm…how long has he been standing right in front of me?? how long have the girls been at the bar getting another drink? he’s trying not to laugh at me.

hi

hi.

it’s kinda blurry, this part…this was a long time ago… i’m sure i said a few sassy things to him as we went through the typical i’m so & so routine. but, what shocked me was when he handed me his phone…and WALKED AWAY. is this guy insane? yea he said he had work to do, but i’m just a girl in a club. if, ha ha, if i had a mean sense of humor i’d delete calender events, phone #’s…or i’d head out the back door. this guy is obviously new in town. yawn, oh well. he’s cute. i’ll behave. I program my real #…find him in the crowd and hand it back to him, promising if he calls after 2am …I block his # and pretend we never met.

1:59am. a text. a nice to meet you pleasantry. he’s standing across the room deliberately not looking at me. as the girls and i are leaving i shoot him a dont push it glare, but couldnt manage to hide the smirk. one minute to spare…he is already (playfully) testing me? i replied, asking when it was he first noticed me. most girls would do that because they’re fishing for an ego stroke. i just wanted to know if he busted me earlier. he replied…

i saw you before you walked through the door.

*********

a touch overdramatic….it’s only day three without a phone. at first it was fun, i looked at it like i was off of my leash. no boys to have to gently inform “i’m busy tonight”. hey bill collectors, leave a message…oh wait you cant. i was excited, i had alone time with ME. day two was spent, well lounging. but today. YAAAAAAWN. today i miss my girlfriends. i dont know if i like the fact that i dropped off the face of the earth, or if i miss all those silly txts with the boys* more. Sunday phone day with the fam, rained out. Hmm. Today is also the first day I turned on my radio. Silence is getting to me I guess. Wow, the only words I’ve spoken in my waking hours today have been to help a guy back his big truck out of the small parking space. (sometimes i leave the house just to get the good deed outta the way. HA). focus. hmm whatelse, i chatted with a little kid in line at trader joes. eggs $1.49, organic strawberries (there is an addicting difference, trust) $2.49, and a little dark chocolate/hazelnut bar $1.99. i’m about to take myself to a free movie i’d never ask any self respecting man to sit through. i like going to the movies alone. at first, i’d get a few “i wonder if she got stood up” looks, but now i’m not sure if i do or not bc i dont pay attention. i like me. dating me is fun. ha ha haaaaaa. aww yes i’m laughing out loud. dont get me wrong, i turn down movie/coffee/dinner dates. i’m cute as hell for cryin out loud. it’s just, i really enjoy my me time. but me-time in combination with a communication breakdown… i’m ready to come out & play. I woke up in the middle of the night and (outloud) had a very specific pout/demand/beg & plead session with God. Right after, He made it very clear that He heard me. After our little chat, I had the urge to get a book I was given years ago. “101 things happy people do”, or something…ive never felt the urge to really read it seeing as how everything from teaching kids the humor in sticking their tongues out at the checkout stand to any typical sunset, can make me happy. anyway i got up, turned on the light, found the book and did what i was supposed to do. i randomly opened the book and wouldnt you know… a hug. the chapter I opened to was entitled “Dont let your religious beliefs fade”. I know God is ALWAYS with me. That’s why i’m brave. that’s why i’m silly. why i’m happy. it’s why I…AM. So, tomorrow is a business day. Today was His day off, but tomorrow oh tomorrow i am hoping for quite a lot… calm down, God made me impatient and He also gave me a sense of humor. He loves me that way. Starting to feel like Christmas Eve around here… peace i gotta movie to catch

at the end of the day… i’m a girl. expect no more and no less and i will always impress you. today i felt more like myself than i have in a very…very long time. circumstances, events, loss of touch with the present moment all too easily make me forget  who i am… but not today.

 today i…

let a praying mantis boss me around.  felt pretty.  looked beautiful. made people laugh, mostly myself. earned a niiice paycheck. sugarcoated the truth. set up 3 interviews. did a celebration dance in front of the mirror, with the curtains open to T.I’s “whatever you like”. was given pink roses. spoke loudly (translation: wanted to be heard). listened!!! laughed my ass off. played. tried a new dish, liked it. found more reasons to look forward to next month, or at least more tv-less dinner parties. actually forgot my age. realized how young i feel. forgot all about the word “should”. wore my seatbelt. appreciated graffiti (not that west side whatever bullshit, the pieces that are on buildings, or cover entire walls. their blogs are visual). played with a puppy. welcomed the cold!  woke up peaceful. wrote…pointessly.

and today… i am going to sleep: free.

one day i’ll go into why that word is so significant to me…until then,  face value.

nighty

 i have writer’s block…and more importantly, i have to get to work…this is something to hold you over. i wrote it circa may of this year after they fired most of us on their way to moving production of the show, Ugly Betty,to new york..

the good the mode and the ugly
Current mood: nostalgic

without my contacts in and without fear or censor i write… hold on’cause here we go… back into and…back too into the present…

an overcast day. a shortage of “yellow”, an abundance of heart. we wait. in line. a tall african knows everyone. who am i? seems everyone says hi except to me. to us. i ….he holds my clothes. i dont fit into this. what am i wearing? glasses? a two and a half hour nap. enter wonderland. cross here, pretend a hello there. heals? tip toe in 4″ heels? we’re the new who? he’s nerdy??!?!?! wow. texas hold who? sleep how long? what’s an ego? my dad watched the show and confused me with ?!?!?another latina!???? ha ha, a white dress is no longer just a white dress. i tried to hide and was chosen to stand out. (as eat less, fear more. love less. see more). 

focusing back: i heard 120 people lost their jobs. i was ,,,hours late. i heard… 120 people. made decisions. looked back. were forced to glance forward. appreciate time. appreciate laughing. appreciate egg white/spinach/bellpepper and feta omlettes… men named billy who cooked for us even though his wife sat home …sick. we, the 12-25 background of betty sat, slept, loved, laughed, stole. wrote. read and played poker. i will forever miss you. yea i ate your trailmix. what matta!?! yea i bet from the pot when no one was looking. (shut up stacy, you would have if you could have, but im just more slick). yea i told everyone i caught *you* looking at porn *at work*… and yea i swore too much. but yea i will miss each and every single one of you ego driven maniacs. i believe in every single one of you. mirtha - because you look like me (ok because i want you to succeed). fumi because you are stong and you refuse to shut up even when we’re rolling. hallie because you’re talented. (mint water, nail polish and blogs baby…so glad we met love), gabe because you’re…you. peder because youre commercial with an unexpected sense of gifted humor (i still dont know if i love you, or if i love you because you actually got molly). molly bc you care, you’re beauty beyond a single frame and because of your depth and who can forget …the dress. ledicia, because you are… beautiful. and because you’re the epitomy of the bitch everyone LOVES to LOVE, not hate. eva, because no one can prance through a scene like you.randy, because no one can turn the most innocent conversation into an x-rated piece that could make ron jeremy blush. tony chang, sorry for misspelling your name and for making you the butt of too many too gay jokes, but lets get real…!! lydee…if i had your little ass and waist, i’d be on a whole other stage, but some day i’ll see you on yours. yelva ”i gotta get off meth”.  that sense of humor is why i love you. to anyone i forgot - be more memorable. anyone i offended: are you surprised?.and to EVERYONE on that set: I LOVE YOU. truly.

good bye and good luck… words cant express what you taught me and what i learned from you and about myself. peace be with you and see you on the other side

So. Here I am. On stage. When the spotlight is in your eyes, you cant see who’s out there but you know they are. Thank you for coming, now excuse me while I ignore you. The only way I wish to write (and live for that matter) is as if no one is looking. This is the first of -hopefully- many blogs. It is, for better or worse, the adventure I choose to live…

Rough day. As a general understatement. Flat back tire. No biggie, I even txt Matt a song about it. “Drivin on a flat, drivin on a flat…when you’re messin up your rim and people point and grin, ya know you’re drivin on a flat, flat flat flat”. I march the tire guy over to what I’m sure is a quick fix. I stop. I see it. A huge gash, not in the flat tire. IN THE FRONT TIRE. I can actually see metal laughing at me through the hole. I practically jumped over the hood only to find the same situation on another tire. Awesome. I want to vomit. Can I? What did I eat last? Will this guy notice if I puke because really that seems like the only logical thing to do next. We then debate which is a safer tire to blow: front or back. Really? Is this what I’m doing? Discussing an inevitable blowout with the same emotion I use to request paper or plastic. Nice. Steady…steady. Just keep it together….

“Don’t you value your life? why don’t you just replace the tires?”

“Ease up & save the hard sell for someone cheap. of course I value my LIFE. I also value the roof over my head I have yet to pay for this month…but I have to prioritize. I value a full stomach more. so can we handle one thing at a time and fix the flat please. I have an interview tomorrow I’d like to be on time for”

sunglasses. walk away. walk away. leaning on the side of the building…I cried as if I’m not an adult. well, I am late on rent, my car needs new brakes, tires, transmission…my car, that should have been paid off last month. I’m unemployed and single… can I even call myself an adult?

Matt and Mr. (yes that’s what I call him) did the mandatory “do you need help/i’m sorry/it’s ok to cry” gig. I pay and I pray and I pretend not to notice the long sympathetic stare the mechanic offered me as I drove off. I’m convinced angels will hold my tire together. Still, I cry in traffic all the way home. I txt the obligatory “everything’s fine, tire’s all good again” messages to the parents. That’s right, I’m (pretending to be) a big girl in a big city taking care of business. Nope, no cracks in this foundation. A gangster with a broken side mirror tried to comfort me through the open window with a “youre too gorgeous to cry”. I pretended the window was up and I couldnt hear him with a loud “WHAAAT?”. That kind of made me laugh. I made it home. 4pointed into my parking space. the one right next to my landlord’s car. before I get out, I write myself a “slow down…BOTH hands!!” note and post it over the spedometer. I go for a walk. it’s almost dark and I’m walking in koreatown. I have the hood of my black shirt up. I’m small’ish. I’m pretty. I’ve adopted the theory that the more trouble you look like the less trouble other people give you.  stealth mode…

 but then I hit the major street.. the hood came down and so did my guard. I chatted with a girl I didnt know about her pitt bull mix and what not to feed it. three years of living here and the foot traffic and the volume of people who either need or choose to use public transportation still amazes me. people say hello. couples are walking hand in hand. oh look my favorite band is going to be in town. I walk into the store, which for some reason suddenly resembled the Disneyland ride “it’s a small world”. people were happy, everything was bright. i resisted buying myself flowers and picked up the cutest cheap bottle of wine (I never buy wine, but I do know I like syrah and even if it’s not the best - a cute bottle will be nice to stare at), a small veggie pack and Breyers all natural rocky road ice cream. HA!–> rocky road <–That’s right. Workers ask me how I’m doing and offer to help me find something. I silently justified all three impulse purchases and patted myself on the back when I didnt buy the trashy tabloid I cruised while waiting in line.

home. the elevator isnt waiting in the lobby and doesnt give a care that i pushed the button to call it. six flights for the 4th time today. trudging up those flights, I wondered why I pay so much to live in a city that feels lately like it’s giving me the cold shoulder. shut up knee, you work perfectly fine - you arent going to pain me into waiting for an elevator that isnt coming. I miss my family. I miss my silly dog. Maybe I should just go home and get a “regular” job and have kids. HA! Double HA, the tacky carpets in the hall look more like old school vegas than old hollywood charm. wonder if that will ever stop being funny? sigh. keys, front door… the city lights say hello and the breeze asks me to forgive the day. “what bad day? hmm? what were you so upset about earlier?” A glance out of one of my huge windows and I’m back under the spell. I think the city tests me even harder now that I love my view. I come home to the honeymoon but only after spending the day out in the for-better-or-worse game. I put the wine bottle on my kitchen shelf. I’m not drowing sorrows - I got the wine because what goes up must come down and vice versa… so I will open it when I have something to celebrate. I nibbled the veggies (wow, ranch is so good because it’s 95%fat). Then I endured a few more mosquito bites while I swung my feet out of my window eating ice cream.  huge windows + slight fear of heights + no bars to stop me from that sheer 6story drop shouldnt = always sitting in my window sills. but it does. because staring at this great big city is somehow humbling and energizing at the same time. sitting and staring out of my windows when I wake up or before I go to sleep is…therapeutic. just as I was about to complain about the feathers from my duvet that poke me all night and end up rolling like tumbleweeds across my concrete floor…a homeless man wheels his shopping cart down the alley. wheels. priorities. perspective.

one interview tomorrow. two amazing people who made me feel like I wasnt completely alone today. three *ah-hem* is a crowd. four tires I need to replace. five - the # of times I’ve climbed the fire escape to get to what I’ve claimed as my private escape on the roof. skip to… countless blessings that will greet me with the sun.

I may be broke, but I’m so faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from broken.