small girl vs. big city

let’s take a trip down memory lane…or imaginary rowe…

january. it’s cold. it’s los angeles. I’m a mess. but only on the inside…

shit. I’m late. again. at least i’m consistant. the Russians will understand, they love me. they haven’t called, so I’m no later than usual. either that or, after a couple years, they’ve figured out that calling & texting wont rush me.

a parking lot, it’s well lit…it’s close… but, no signs post how much. this’ll be fun. “hi”(slow down, less desperate, more cute) “how much is parking? $20??? oh (pouty lip) reeeeally? I’m new in town. (2+ years is still new, wait have i tried this at this lot before? hmm. oh well, keep talking) I’m by myself. I’m meeting my friends…oh $5. hmmmmmm… you cant….ok yea. sure. thanks anyway”

heeeeeey officers, i wave obnoxiously. they’re in their usual hiding spot. i made a 3sec stop. i’m trying to find parking. find someone else to bust…

meter parking. God loves me. it’s a half block. i need the walk, the air. i need air only a little more than i need the $5. grrreat. a line, almost midnight, of course there’s a line… but tonight lines are for everyone else…

showtime. cue the walk. the deliberate, heel pounding, ’wait’ isnt in my vocabulary, no eye contact with anyone in line… walk. the one that’ll get the guy to move the rope before you get to it, because he’s convinced if he doesnt - you’ll burn right through it… i took my id of my purse when i put my little water bottle in. digging through your purse is a flying solo no-no. it gives them time to think and it gives away what’s in your purse. i hand it to the guy without making eye contact. i look impatient (i’m not). i say thank you (i mean it) . i’m in. HA - cake. suckers. alright… don’t look lost, dont….look….lost…..

“do I wanna drink? from you? no, i’m -uh- busy. thanks though” (did i even see what he looked like? who cares, that approach is so boring. keep looking…)

a trendy song is on, check the dancefloor!! jackpot! hugs. too many and they hold on too long. ugh, i thought we werent being obviously sympathetic girls. shut up, let them be there. no one asks and i dont explain why i’m late. a dance or few. this isnt so bad.

an annoying song allows reality to knock: am I homeless? I just moved what’s left of what I own and can’t wear into storage… i’m sleeping on a couch. in a living room. rather in the living room of whichever girlfriend it’s most convenient for that night…I…am…homeless. single. confused. sad…as a general understatement…… really. really. REALLY sad. what happened to the music? am i dancing?

wait.

i am a girl with nothing to lose. there’s freedom in that. nothing to lose, so nothing to fear. and that means everything to gain… something exciting is about to come my way.

music’s back on. rather, i can hear it again.

well i checked in just in time. ugh, why do russian girls smoke? damnit. really? I’m going to watch you passively agressively kill yourself? grrrreat. hmmm, a smoke screen. in half a second the contents of my water bottle are in my glass. oh look at that i just saved myself $12. i’ll just put this little guy, we’ll call him “Evidence” under this table…

hey now. heeey. what are you looking at? hot guy. not with friends. not holding a drink. i’m in jeans and not looking for attention. so what is he look—–CRAP. is that surveillance in his ear!?! awesome -security. he works here. did he see me? whatever. fine. kick me out, do it mr, i DARE YOU. i smirk. i turn away. i’m going to dance with my girlfriends. you want me out, make me get out.

oh… what… now? there he is again. a slight smile this time. oh, so that’s what all that was about. hmm, well if you want to talk to me mr, then come say hi. enough smiling and gazing. I turn my back.

it’s been a while. i think? or has it been? time is irrelevant when you’re waiting for something or nothing. maybe it’s been 30seconds? 3minutes? why - after one drink- do i dance and flip my hair like a blond girl on spring break? oh well it’s fun. flip flip my eyes are closed. ha ha, this is so fun. the girls are being silly too. nights like this, it’s more than ok.

i open my eyes. ummmm…how long has he been standing right in front of me?? how long have the girls been at the bar getting another drink? he’s trying not to laugh at me.

hi

hi.

it’s kinda blurry, this part…this was a long time ago… i’m sure i said a few sassy things to him as we went through the typical i’m so & so routine. but, what shocked me was when he handed me his phone…and WALKED AWAY. is this guy insane? yea he said he had work to do, but i’m just a girl in a club. if, ha ha, if i had a mean sense of humor i’d delete calender events, phone #’s…or i’d head out the back door. this guy is obviously new in town. yawn, oh well. he’s cute. i’ll behave. I program my real #…find him in the crowd and hand it back to him, promising if he calls after 2am …I block his # and pretend we never met.

1:59am. a text. a nice to meet you pleasantry. he’s standing across the room deliberately not looking at me. as the girls and i are leaving i shoot him a dont push it glare, but couldnt manage to hide the smirk. one minute to spare…he is already (playfully) testing me? i replied, asking when it was he first noticed me. most girls would do that because they’re fishing for an ego stroke. i just wanted to know if he busted me earlier. he replied…

i saw you before you walked through the door.

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