small girl vs. big city

i’m in a ridiculous mood. i auditioned for a little agency we’ll call Bullshit. i was late. suuuuurprise! i didnt apologize or explain. you dont apologize to the receptionist, she doesnt care. she isnt waiting for you and apologizing to her doesnt make you any less of an asshole.  stop thinking i’m a jerk, i was very (genuinely) nice to her. 

the lobby. was a little dark and not very big. there was one guy from chicago, something about him screamed “theater”. his girlfriend had a terry tube dress over her bikini. enough…said. there was a kid who brought his skateboard. there was another guy who didnt want anyone in the room to know he existed.  i asked if i had missed anything. someone mumbled no. i smiled & asked quite humbly “are we not allowed to talk?”. apparently no one had a pulse. i sat to watch the video they were all focusing on. the video they played for people waiting in the lobby. the video a company plays usually in order to toot it’s own horn…brag… make you feel like youre about to be in the presence of someone with the very key to your future. i couldnt help it. believe me, i tried. really i did. but when a father and his two sons gave their testimony of how amazing it is to work BACKGROUND, i lost it. i laughed …loudly…just as the “agent” opened the door to let in the next “potential actor”. the receptionist glanced…he, on the other hand, shot me a look. 

off the record, background is the only reason i paid bills at times. the only way i ate a hot meal. the reason i met so many amazing people. it’s also where i learned texas hold’em… anyway, it serves its purpose, but it’s not the goal. Bullshit took the time to shoot and edit a video and loop it on a flat screen just to brainwash you into paying them of % of any work they booked for you. the only reason i didnt walk out is because i figured i needed the practice. i got chicago guy to have a mento but asked him not to do anything stupid when he offered to , “just like on the commercials”. i got skateboard kid to laugh but i cant take credit for that. he laughed because i was laughing at the video. they were showing all the extras from “i am legend” during that sad part of the movie where everyone is trying to get off of the island. tragedies make me laugh sometimes. bikini girl was too nervous to pay us any attention. she was mumbling the words from the paper we were given upon arrival.

i was last. because i was last. agent-x asked if i knew the people in the lobby and looked confused when i said no. he was not using his own office. i know because he didnt have the ego to fill it. i know because i ran the “audition”. i introduced myself. i sat, legs crossed and a little back but still straight in the chair. i smile. silence. i blink sweetly…

a little late on his cue but, he starts the speech about the agency… “we book mostly background and some speaking roles”… i politely state i will not be considered for anything less than a speaking role, small or large.

a pause.

i didnt blink and didnt look away. i did however smile a little and lean forward on one armrest of the chair. he set a voice recorder on the desk in front of me.

“ok i’m going to count to three and then i want you to read the paragraph on your paper. dont worry about over acting, just give it your best shot”

he slowly sank into a comfortable position in his chair.  deliberately found a notepad and pen…reached forward and counted to three…

not laughing here was easy but i’d still like to know what expression i had on my face. i was in outside sales. in koreatown. they onlylike koreans! outside sales in los angeles with only a phone book for leads.  i was a designer who presented time and time again to a conference room of conservative ol’boys whose idea of style was a duckhead cane. i thought this was major league & we’re playing tee ball? the kid was way too obvious. the agency was way too obvious. nothing about this shook me. a voice recorder?!?couldnt spring for the digital hmm? yawn, alright batter up kid…

i read. every time he looked up i was already looking at him like he was the boyfriend i was pleading with in the scene. he made notes….turned off the recorder… and paused for effect.

he “made an executive decision” and welcomed me. i didnt laugh. i surprised myself and was actually happy. make that giddy. hey, it’s a chance. it may be a very very very cold day in…arizona…that a speaking role actually lands on the desk of this little agency. but, if it does and they send me out… that wont shake me either.

let’s play some freakin ball