small girl vs. big city

get comfortable this is a long one… 

I am one of a few. who refuses to do “what it takes” to make it out here. because HERE lies the illusion: Hollywood is a journey into ILLUSION, it…is…not a destination. you allow it to become the destination and you will take plane, train, donkey, or dirtbike to get there…sleeping through the scenery. only to arrive… at an empty lot.

wednesday night. holly scooped me up. ahhh!!! wardrobe button malfunction. but it’s a new shirt!?!?!!rock it because there’s no turning back now. gotta love double stick tape. we wound through the hills. alternating between bad 80’s songs and the silence of staring at the map on her iphone. a u-turn at a dead end. a last minute eye liner check. i’m greeted by someone who is sure he’s someone enough to give me shit about not speaking spanish. practice grace under fire, bite your lip…bite your lip. i throw a wink and a “because all my relatives speak english” over my shoulder as i walk in without invitation. 

yawn. relax, it was his idea of friendly conversation. my idea of friendly fire. i’m walking and mentally pitching excuses to bail when my heart stops. oh, my weakness. simple girl. simple pleasures. lights. it looks like the house is about to drown in them. no walls between you and twinkling beauty. if i lived here i’d never sleep. i am becoming such a dreamer… zap… hellooo! welcome back to the room…

the house belonged to a musician. a musician who is trying in vain to start a clothing line. he doesnt care because he doesnt need the money. we all had a great laugh of it and i may have convinced him to change the name to wild whoooooooooooo……. nevermind. a cute girl stood up and introduced herself. i dont remember what her name was (be more memorable) probably because she followed her name quickly with “i swear i have friends, they’ll be here any minute”. wow. i wonder if the musician has a permit to run a daycare at night. “it’s ok babygirl we’ll be your friends til your other ones get here”. an actor destroys the myth that he’s an arrogant asshole. pleasantries. holly and i bail and find our way to the patio. she smokes and i listen in an absent minded daze… maybe i said a few inconsequential things. oh really? dj so&so lives there? think the musician will invite him over? no, he’s out of town. the actor joins us and sits on the rail, blocking MY view! he is raining on my parade of pretending i was in my own back yard. bla bla london (as if we hadnt noticed his lovely accent). bla bla smalltalk. he gets the hint and we’re left alone to our dreams.

refill necessity brought us back inside. the house is a bit of a zoo and i dont mean because there were a lot of people there. ha ha…

the guy who’s all too sure offers a tour of the house. i need practice being polite so i dont crack a joke about if he is paid to give tours of his friend’shouse. bla bla bathroom. bla bla guestroom. bla bla office. and then. he sat. well i knew this was coming. i chose the big leather office chair far enough away. picked up a silver letter opener and interrupted my thought of throwing it at him like a dart by reminding myself that i shouldnt pass up an excercise to “act like i’m paying serious attention”.

this was his first pitch… he fumbled vaguely through a monologue of the necessity of “doing what it takes” to make it in hollywood. patience in these instances is effortless. i let him finish his speech. i let silence scream until he made an uncomfortable hand gesture in effort to express it was my turn to react. I laughed. I sipped my drink. Swallowed slowly, in an intentionally poor effort to hide a smirk. I had been sitting straight, so I leaned back. My back is to the sea. I select a low tone of voice. not the tone of a small girl. the tone of a woman who isn’t seeking approval. eyes. I calmly stated my refusal to believe “that” is the only way. I said this sitting on designer furniture, in a room where walls move to remove the glass between you and a sea of diamonds reality calls city lights.

this sham of a man, tried to match my tone and laughed at my naivety. then came the hard sell. he brought up my duty of supporting my family financially at the small price of a secret. I lost patience. Fuck the risk of sounding like an orphan, I announce I need not support them nor myself at the price of my soul. this brought the discussion to God. I rarely let someone make me lose my cool and this was definitely on track to happen had i continued to humor the insanity. I stood. Picked up my glass and left him with ”you believe what you will. I’ll do what I will and who I won’t. ill see you on the other side and let God sort us out”

I pound heels. I don’t look back.

In the kitchen are Holly and the others. I get distance from the frustration by rummaging through my purse. Found my phone. a missed call. my roomie. a txt: “you have to decide on that job TONIGHT. they have other people to interview but they don’t want to waste their time if you’re going to take it”

Fuck. I supposed to make a decision after a couple drinks…….? after that conversation just now………?! where are my words? what… is… my decision? this is the difficult proposition to ponder. the safe route. the 9-5. the sure thing. my bank account won’t let me say no but my heart won’t let me say yes. sales. stability…really? My mind’s racing as I step into the privacy of the bathroom… call her, get the # and promise to call the potential employer right back…

I open the door. I’m walking … I cant see her but I know she’s around the corner… yelling through the house as if it were mine: Holly! heads or tails? The actor jumps in: ooooh I want to play!! the musician: yea me too!

great: then everyone all at once - heads or tails?!

tails! tails! holly and the actor say simultaneously. the musician pouts. well i was going to say tails but i dont want to run with the herd so i say heads.

well i veto your heads because you wanted  to say tails. i’ve been trying to tell myself heads all week but i really wanted support in tails. so we all said tails. so it’s final.

holly knows me and knows better than to ask. at least in front of present company. the actor doesnt and cant move on… he gives me a long look “well….?! what did we just decide? what was that all about” everyone is looking at me

we just decided whether or not i’m going to accept a job i was just offered.

the actor “out of thin air?!? really? you’ve decided your future by flipping an imaginary coin??!?”

i smile. you guys pulled my fate from thin air, and that is exactly where it is anyway…not on the side of a coin

i grabbed my phone and walked out, dialing… the perfect words already in my throat.

just as the phone begins to ring… i overheard the actor: i thought i was crazy, but that’s just insane

insanity does not lie in turning down a job my heart wont agree to. insanity is in agreeing to lie down without a heart for a job.

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