small girl vs. big city

This is a rare glimpse. Take it for what you will… but never mistake vulnerability for weakness.

A heater glows. Tangled in white sheets and pillows. Wake without reason. Ignore the cold floor. Shuffle through the fog to the bathroom. My robe is on inside-out. Toothbrush, sigh, too much paste. Fuck it. Wake up wake up wake up. Open your eyes. Yawn. Sigh. Brush brush boring. Open the window. Morning city, morning neighbors, morn— clouds?! Ugh. Go away clouds. Swish, spit, scowl. Where the hell is the sun?

Mmm, bet the bed is still warm. Shut up. Make it dont get back in it. Enough of this ponytail, let’s see if I can get away with not washing my hair toda— 

WHAT THE? WHAT? Wait, oh please tell me I’m still asleep. But, the bed is empty. The BED is EMPTY. Why dont I have a reflection? The room is there, everything is there but me. Cant get enough air, my lungs are going to burst. Can they? Am I alive? What happened? Bathroom mirror. Emtpy.  Closet mirror. Same. Pictures. I’m no longer in them.

NO. DAMNIT!!!!! NO! no. nono no nonononooooooo.

Tears stream. Fists fly. Glass flies. But blood does not. Screaming. But without sound. Only silence accompanies sight. And not the sight of me. In a heap on the floor, laying among the pieces of my rejection, trying to FEEL. I see: a spider is trying to flee unnoticed. LIFE! Oh beautiful life. Oh please dont go.

Wait: go… That’s it! GO!!!! Trailing glass as I hurtle down the endless six flights.  No one on the stairs. Doesnt mean a thing. Keep…going. Light is streaming through the windows around the door. Hurry up. My foot slips on the tile and I catch myself just as I reach the door. Resting my forehead on the door, I catch my breathe. I will open this door and everything will be ok.

I throw it open and run blindly into the light…

(to be continued)