small girl vs. big city

I have a long list of fears. Drowning. Earthquakes (that one is about 4mos new). Food poisoning (hey, I hate throwing up!). Losing a family member. Losing a bodily function (sight, sound, mobility). And, last: Love. I loved once. It was nothing short of alchemy. But alchemy is a process, not a diamond… and not even those last forever.

A hard day. Three strikes led me up three flights of stairs. I would not come down the same.

From word one through… our third date I could hardly stand him. He was insanely loud, way too proud and swore in the presence of a lady more than a man ever should. He actually called me once to tell me to call him more often. But somewhere between a dozen eggs and letting him house sit my place with his entourage of a homeless ex-boxer, a pop star, and a maniac… I fell. There were rainbows. A kiss could stop time. I was able to sleep through the night. I cooked. I cleaned. I shared. I dared. A year and a half of… Museums. Music. Flowers. Adventure. Books. Love. Laughter. Travels. I dreamed of white fences and what-if’s. Though I was terrified, I met his family, and I fell for them too. When I was least expecting, I met unconditional love. Last, I met fate.

I cant tell you what happened. How it ended. I spent too many months trying to wrap my head around the pieces of kindly sugar coated truths I was left with. I eventually gave up because the truth is… it was over.

A lot of time has passed since the fairytale ended. Friendship and time continue to water down the potency of a once intense love. While I value the friendship deeply, it makes me want to disappear (from his sight anyway). It’s the only way I can think of preserving the memory the first real love I’ve ever had. He has turned into just a friend. A very true, very real, very loving and special friend. A friend nonetheless. But, before the last of the shimmer fades, I want to put the friendship away. No matter how great a friend, a great friend is still a great fall from grace as the great love of your life. Friendships have boundaries. Love does not. To be clear, I said I want to preserve the memory of that love. Not to revive it. He is still an amazing man, but no longer the man I loved. And I am no longer the girl he loved or the girl capable of it. Time, fear, personalities, expectations and the present moment have all had their way with our hearts. I really believe that we are both better to have met, loved, and lost. And more than that, I believe everything happens for a reason.

Before him, I was a girl without the slightest comprehension of love. I understood it as a pedestal you were placed upon while you receive without giving, all the while going through the motions of feelings that never actually come. Now, I Love Love. No matter what, he will always be my first love. That has to be it. That has to be enough. He cant be my first love and my only real friend. Even though now I know how great love is…I have the affliction of also knowing how equally painful it is to lose. Worse, how sad it is to fade.

Well, I’m tired of being sick. I have had chances. This year. To love. And to be loved. And I believed when fear convinced me I am allergic to it. That my allergic reaction to falling in love, will be to get hurt. No. It’s that thought process that is sick. I have held the medicine in my very hands and not taken it because it might have a bad aftertaste. Fuck the fairytale ending because I’d rather live in the moment. and fuck fear because Commitment is not a four letter word.

…as a small dose…maybe I’ll start with a radio station…

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